Lesson 3 of 6 · Mercy is not a mood, and sabr is not silence
What is actually put on each of you
Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind, says the Qur'an. The Sunnah then makes that checkable rather than leaving it as a virtue.
Asked what the right of a wife over her husband is, the answer given is a list. Feed her when you eat. Clothe her when you clothe yourself. Do not strike her on the face. Do not revile her. Four items, two of them prohibitions, and a person can hold four items in their head. Nobody can hold a virtue.
The measure of a man is then put on his conduct at home rather than in public, twice and on two separate chains. He never struck anyone with his hand, not a woman and not a servant, which is the ceiling on anything anyone claims about marital authority. And obedience, in any direction, is only in what is good. That last principle was given about a commander and his men rather than about a marriage, and applying it here is a step across that the jurists make routinely, but it is a step across and you should know that it is.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind. The Sunnah then makes this checkable rather than leaving it as a virtue.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهࣰ اۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةࣲ مُّبَيِّنَةࣲۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرࣰ ا كَثِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good
Qur’an 4:19
Here is the checkable version. Four items, two of them prohibitions. A person can hold four items in their head and nobody can hold a virtue.
Narrated Mu'awiyah al-Qushayri: Mu'awiyah asked: Messenger of Allah, what is the right of the wife of one of us over him? He replied: That you should give her food when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her on the face, do not revile her or separate yourself from her except in the house. Abu Dawud said: The meaning of "do not revile her" is, as you say: "May Allah revile you
Sunan Abi Dawud 2142graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
The measure of a man put on his conduct at home rather than in public, and it comes twice, on two separate chains.
Narrated 'Aishah:that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives, and when your companion dies, leave him alone
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 3895graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
The second of the two chains carrying it, and a claim about how a man is measured is worth seeing in more than one place.
It was narrated from Ibn 'Abbas that:the Prophet said: "The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives
Sunan Ibn Majah 1977graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
He never struck anyone with his hand, not a woman and not a servant. That is the ceiling on anything anyone claims about marital authority.
A'isha reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) never beat anyone with his hand, neither a woman nor a servant, but only, in the case when he had been fighting in the cause of Allah and he never took revenge for anything unless the things made inviolable by Allah were made violable; he then took revenge for Allah, the Exalted and Glorious
Sahih Muslim 2328graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
And obedience, in any direction, is only in what is good. This was given about a commander and his men rather than about a marriage. Applying it here is a step across that the jurists make routinely, and you should know it is a step across.
Narrated `Ali:The Prophet (ﷺ) , sent an army and appointed some man their commander The man made a fire and then said (to the soldiers), "Enter it." Some of them intended to enter it while some others said, 'We have run away from it (i.e., embraced Islam to save ourselves from the 'fire')." They mentioned that to the Prophet, and he said about people who had intended to enter the fire. ''If they had entered it, they would have remained In it till the Day of Resurrection.'' Then he said to others, "No obedience for evil deeds, obedience is required only in what is good
Sahih al-Bukhari 7257graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.