Lesson 3 of 6 · Mercy is not a mood, and sabr is not silence
The verse that gets used to close a conversation
Perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah places much good in it. That half verse gets quoted at a wife who has raised something, as a way of ending the raising.
Look at where it sits. Its context is a husband being told what to do about disliking his wife, and the instruction attached to it is to live with her in what is right. It is a call to patience with ordinary imperfection, which every marriage requires from both people. It is not a rule that says the person who raised something should stop talking.
Both verses are below so that you can see the difference without taking anyone's word for it. The clause people quote sits inside 4:19, joined in the same sentence to the instruction to live with them in what is fair and kind. The other one, 2:216, opens by saying what it is about, and what it is about is fighting. And there is a report that makes the same point about a marriage without the ambiguity: a believing man should not hate a believing woman, because if he dislikes one thing in her he will be pleased with another. Note that its wording is addressed to a husband.
There is a general test worth carrying. If a verse or a report is only ever quoted in one direction, by the person with more power in the room, something has gone wrong in the quoting rather than in the text.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Look at where the quoted clause sits. It is joined in the same sentence to the instruction to live with them in what is fair and kind, and its context is a husband being told what to do about disliking his wife.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهࣰ اۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةࣲ مُّبَيِّنَةࣲۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرࣰ ا كَثِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good
Qur’an 4:19
The other one, and it opens by saying what it is about. What it is about is fighting. Both are here so you can see the difference without taking anyone's word for it.
كُتِبَ عَلَيۡكُمُ ٱلۡقِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرۡهࣱ لَّكُمۡۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَهُوَ خَيۡرࣱ لَّكُمۡۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَهُوَ شَرࣱّ لَّكُمۡۚ وَٱللَّهُ يَعۡلَمُ وَأَنتُمۡ لَا تَعۡلَمُونَ
Fighting is ordained for you, though you dislike it. You may dislike something although it is good for you, or like something although it is bad for you: God knows and you do not.’
Qur’an 2:216
It says a man should not hate his wife over one thing he dislikes in her, which makes the point about a marriage without the ambiguity of the verses above. Its wording is addressed to a husband.
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another
Sahih Muslim 1468graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.