Three. The silence after the unspeakable thought

This is the strongest link in the whole loop.

A thought arrives. Something about the baby, or about not wanting to be here, or about who you were before. It horrifies you. You do not tell anyone, because you are certain of what would happen if you did.

So the thought stays, and now you are also managing the secret. And every conversation you have from then on is one you are partly editing, which is exhausting on its own.

The advice most commonly given here, seek refuge and do not tell anybody, gets the first half right and the second half exactly wrong. The not telling is the thing that keeps this going.

There is a report in which the Companions do the exact thing this step is asking of you. They come and say that they have thoughts they cannot bring themselves to talk about and do not want to have. They say the unsayable thing out loud, to somebody. Nothing bad happens to them, and what they are told is that the revulsion is clear faith.

If the thought is one that frightens you, tell your midwife, your health visitor or your GP. It is an ordinary conversation for them. If it is one that does not frighten you, or that has started to feel like something you might do, that is the same day route in lesson one, and it goes now rather than at the next appointment.