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Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › When you use something to cope
The picture is genuinely tangled. The same traits run in families, so a parent is both more likely to pass something on and more likely to have been using while pregnant, which makes the line from one to the other far less clear than it usually sounds. What is clear is that carrying the blame helps nobody stop, and it often prevents the conversation that would.
If you are using something to cope and it has become hard to stop, please speak to a doctor before changing anything.
if any of you has foolishly done a bad deed, and afterwards repented and mended his ways, God is most forgiving and most merciful (Quran 6:54). The verdict there is settled and generous, so you need not keep reopening it.
الأنعام
وَإِذَا جَآءَكَ ٱلَّذِينَ يُؤۡمِنُونَ بِـَٔايَٰتِنَا فَقُلۡ سَلَٰمٌ عَلَيۡكُمۡۖ كَتَبَ رَبُّكُمۡ عَلَىٰ نَفۡسِهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَةَ أَنَّهُۥ مَنۡ عَمِلَ مِنكُمۡ سُوٓءَۢا بِجَهَٰلَةࣲ ثُمَّ تَابَ مِنۢ بَعۡدِهِۦ وَأَصۡلَحَ فَأَنَّهُۥ غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمࣱ
When those who believe in Our revelations come to you [Prophet], say, ‘Peace be upon you. Your Lord has taken it on Himself to be merciful: if any of you has foolishly done a bad deed, and afterwards repented and mended his ways, God is most forgiving and most merciful.’
Qur’an 6:54read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a randomised trial with 79 patients, a four hour self-forgiveness session added to routine alcohol treatment raised self-forgiveness and confidence in refusing a drink, and lowered guilt and shame. One small trial is not much to lean on. It does point the same way as ordinary experience: a person who is not drowning in blame has more left over to work with.
Scherer M, Worthington EL, Hook JN, Campana KL. (2011). Forgiveness and the bottle: promoting self-forgiveness in individuals who abuse alcohol.. Journal of addictive diseases doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Shame makes people hide a thing, and nobody gets help with something they are hiding.
With vaping the pull is often not the hit at all. It is knowing the thing is there in your pocket if you need it.
If stopping has been harder for you than it seems to be for other people, that is worth taking seriously rather than reading as a flaw in your character.
If the language of a recovery group puts you off, that is a reason to look for a different group, not a reason to decide that help is not for you.