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Areas › Worry and anxiety › Living with uncertainty
Saying that once changes very little. The person this comes from took a long time to arrive at it, and that is worth knowing so you do not expect it in an afternoon. What helps is returning to the same distinction each time it collapses: here are the requirements, and my worth is not among the things being marked. While the two are fused, every attempt is a test of the whole person, which is an excellent reason to keep putting it off.
You need not grieve for what you miss or gloat over what you gain (Quran 57:23). Neither outcome is being treated there as a verdict on the person it happened to.
الحديد
لِّكَيۡلَا تَأۡسَوۡاْ عَلَىٰ مَا فَاتَكُمۡ وَلَا تَفۡرَحُواْ بِمَآ ءَاتَىٰكُمۡۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخۡتَالࣲ فَخُورٍ
so you need not grieve for what you miss or gloat over what you gain
Qur’an 57:23read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A cognitive behavioural treatment built squarely around intolerance of uncertainty, beliefs about worry and avoidance did better than delayed treatment in twenty six people with generalised anxiety disorder. The target was a new one and the trial was small, so this is a promising direction rather than a settled result. It does suggest these beliefs can be worked on directly rather than being personality you are stuck with.
Robert Ladouceur; Michel J. Dugas; Mark H. Freeston; Éliane Léger; Fabien Gagnon; Nicole Thibodeau (2000). Efficacy of a cognitive–behavioral treatment for generalized anxiety disorder: Evaluation in a controlled clinical trial.. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
When failing would only mean failing, an attempt costs far less to make.
If a run of failures has left you feeling worthless rather than disappointed, that is worth taking to someone rather than working on by yourself.
When something feels unbearable to risk, follow it downwards. If that did happen, what would it mean, and what would happen after that?
A no is usually information about fit rather than a report on your worth. Some of them have to happen before you can tell which places are right for you.
When a decision feels impossible, put a date on it rather than pressing for the commitment. We will try this and look at it again in three months turns a life sentence back into a choice.