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Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
So make a rule now, while it is calm, about which decisions are never made on the day: leaving a job, ending a relationship, spending a large amount, anything involving someone you should not be messaging. Twenty four hours and one other person's ears, and most of them look different by the morning. The version in your head is always tidier than what actually follows.
'Lord, I take refuge with You from the goadings of the evil ones' (Quran 23:97) and 'so that they may not come near me' (Quran 23:98). The prayer asks for distance from the goading itself, which is what a rule made in advance is for.
المؤمنون
وَقُل رَّبِّ أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنۡ هَمَزَٰتِ ٱلشَّيَٰطِينِ
and say, ‘Lord, I take refuge with You from the goadings of the evil ones
Qur’an 23:97read it in the library
المؤمنون
وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ رَبِّ أَن يَحۡضُرُونِ
I seek refuge with you, Lord, so that they may not come near me.’
Qur’an 23:98read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a small randomised pilot, 64 people with borderline personality disorder were given either mindfulness training or interpersonal effectiveness skills, and the effect on separate facets of impulsivity was compared. Splitting impulsivity into facets is the useful part, since acting fast under strong feeling is not the same thing as being generally disorganised. It was a small pilot in a different group, so nothing here is settled.
Soler J, Elices M, Pascual JC, Martín-Blanco A, Feliu-Soler A, Carmona C, Portella MJ. (2016). Effects of mindfulness training on different components of impulsivity in borderline personality disorder: results from a pilot randomized study.. Borderline personality disorder and emotion dysregulation doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
While the feeling is loud, the long term costs barely get a look in.
Halfway up the argument, ask yourself one question. What do I want here, and who am I trying to be. Winning the sentence is rarely worth what it costs by bedtime.
The unkind thoughts tend to arrive in a handful of familiar shapes. One friend is busy so nobody wants you. One bad mark so you are going to fail everything. Someone did not say hello so they must dislike you.
A reward that is far off has almost no weight in ADHD. Tying the task to something you actually care about gives you a reason that does not depend on the payoff arriving soon.