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Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
Settle it on a calm evening. Twenty minutes, no following, no messages in between, and we sit back down at nine. Then keep the return time exactly, because that is what makes the break trustworthy the next time. Without the agreement, walking out gets read as slamming a door, and the other person will come after you, which undoes the whole point of leaving.
'do not quarrel with one another, or you may lose heart' (Quran 8:46). What a break protects is exactly that, the heart of the two of you, rather than the argument.
الأنفال
وَأَطِيعُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُۥ وَلَا تَنَٰزَعُواْ فَتَفۡشَلُواْ وَتَذۡهَبَ رِيحُكُمۡۖ وَٱصۡبِرُوٓاْۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَ ٱلصَّٰبِرِينَ
Obey God and His Messenger, and do not quarrel with one another, or you may lose heart and your spirit may desert you. Be steadfast: God is with the steadfast
Qur’an 8:46read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A quantitative meta-analysis of 23 imaging studies mapped the network involved in regulating emotion by thinking differently about it, an area where individual studies had not converged. It is a control heavy process, which is part of why negotiating anything in the middle of an argument goes badly. Mapping a network says nothing about couples, so the protocol itself is clinical practice rather than a tested procedure.
Kohn N, Eickhoff SB, Scheller M, Laird AR, Fox PT, Habel U. (2014). Neural network of cognitive emotion regulation--an ALE meta-analysis and MACM analysis.. NeuroImage doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A break the other person has agreed to is a shared plan, while the same walk out unannounced is a wound.
The reason your partner follows you out of the room is usually not control. It is the fear that if you leave now, this will never be finished.
If you run a group for people with ADHD, keep it to about five or six, or bring in a second facilitator. Past that you spend the session keeping order instead of doing the work.
Self-restraint runs on a supply that stress uses up. In a week when everything is late and nothing has been slept on, you will react to things you would normally let go.