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Areas › Worry and anxiety › Breaking the worry loop
The aim is not a brighter thought but a truer one that is also bearable. Something in the shape of "this is going to feel horrible and I can get through it" holds up, because it does not ask anyone to pretend the hard part away. Watch for the moment your kind rewording lands as a telling off for being afraid. That is the point to slow down and ask what they actually think is going to happen.
had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you (Quran 3:159). Pushed reassurance can land much like harshness does, with the person closing up and going quiet, so gentleness here is doing real work rather than softening the edges.
آل عمران
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡهُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God: God loves those who put their trust in Him
Qur’an 3:159read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In volunteers with generalised anxiety disorder or depression, training people to read ambiguous situations in a more benign way reduced worry and rumination, which supports the idea that how a situation gets interpreted is part of what keeps the loop turning. Notice what was actually trained: plausible readings of genuinely uncertain events, not an instruction to think positively. It was an experimental study, so it says more about the mechanism than about how to hold this conversation well with a frightened child.
Colette R. Hirsch; Charlotte Krahé; Jessica Whyte; Sofia Loizou; Livia Bridge; Sam Norton (2018). Interpretation training to target repetitive negative thinking in generalized anxiety disorder and depression.. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A thought only loosens its grip when the new version is one the person can genuinely believe.
If the frightening thought is about something real and ongoing, such as being hurt at home, the work is not reframing it but getting the person safe.
A great many people worry silently and look perfectly calm doing it. Families are often astonished to find out how much has been going on.
With a child, make it a job rather than a lesson. They are the detective, the worried thought is the claim, and the task is to collect what supports it and what does not before deciding anything.
Before you go towards the thing you are afraid of, it helps to have two things to hand: a way to settle your body, and a fairer account of what is likely to happen.