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Areas › Worry and anxiety › The cost of avoiding
Grievances between families and schools rarely resolve on the timeline a child needs. Naming a goal that sits above the dispute lets everyone move without conceding, and it usually changes the tone of the next meeting more than any evidence either side brought along. Write down the shared goal and the next three practical steps, then send it to both parties so it exists outside the room.
There should be no indecent speech, misbehaviour, or quarrelling for anyone undertaking the pilgrimage (Quran 2:197). Quarrelling is set down for the duration of a shared journey, which is close to what is being asked here.
البقرة
ٱلۡحَجُّ أَشۡهُرࣱ مَّعۡلُومَٰتࣱۚ فَمَن فَرَضَ فِيهِنَّ ٱلۡحَجَّ فَلَا رَفَثَ وَلَا فُسُوقَ وَلَا جِدَالَ فِي ٱلۡحَجِّۗ وَمَا تَفۡعَلُواْ مِنۡ خَيۡرࣲ يَعۡلَمۡهُ ٱللَّهُۗ وَتَزَوَّدُواْ فَإِنَّ خَيۡرَ ٱلزَّادِ ٱلتَّقۡوَىٰۖ وَٱتَّقُونِ يَٰٓأُوْلِي ٱلۡأَلۡبَٰبِ
The pilgrimage takes place during the prescribed months. There should be no indecent speech, misbehaviour, or quarrelling for anyone undertaking the pilgrimage- whatever good you do, God is well aware of it. Provide well for yourselves: the best provision is to be mindful of God- always be mindful of Me, you who have understanding
Qur’an 2:197read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A questionnaire study found cognitive fusion, being so caught up in your own account that it simply looks like the facts, sitting alongside experiential avoidance between life stress and later anxiety and depression. It is cross-sectional and self-reported, so it maps associations rather than causes. It does give a fair name to what happens in these meetings, where each side is fused to its version and neither can move while that is what is in the room.
Cookson C, Luzon O, Newland J, Kingston J. (2020). Examining the role of cognitive fusion and experiential avoidance in predicting anxiety and depression.. Psychology and psychotherapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
People who cannot agree about the past can usually agree about the next fortnight.
A plan followed on some days and not others can be worse than no plan at all. Choose the smallest version you are sure you can keep to, and keep to that.
If a child can go to the school office whenever they like and stay as long as they like, that is an exit rather than a support. Agree a length, and a gap between visits.
Ask when it began and what that first week was like. What now looks like a teenager enjoying their freedom often started as fear that nobody could reach.