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Areas › Anger › Equanimity and perspective
Next time you feel it starting, look at your own hands and shoulders rather than at the other person. You can even take the posture on purpose for a moment to feel what it is doing. It usually says something much simpler than your argument does: I do not want this to be true.
No misfortune can happen, either in the earth or in yourselves, that was not set down in writing before We brought it into being (Quran 57:22). The raised hand is arguing with something that has already arrived.
الحديد
مَآ أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةࣲ فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِ وَلَا فِيٓ أَنفُسِكُمۡ إِلَّا فِي كِتَٰبࣲ مِّن قَبۡلِ أَن نَّبۡرَأَهَآۚ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ يَسِيرࣱ
No misfortune can happen, either in the earth or in yourselves, that was not set down in writing before We brought it into being- that is easy for God
Qur’an 57:22read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A randomised trial in 234 adults with troubling anger compared brief internet programmes: mindful awareness of emotion on its own, cognitive reappraisal on its own, and the two together. Attending to what the feeling is doing in your body was treated as a candidate treatment in its own right. It was brief and delivered over the internet, so it points at a direction rather than settling the question.
Bjureberg J, Ojala O, Berg A, Edvardsson E, Kolbeinsson Ö, Molander O, Morin E, Nordgren L, Palme K, Särnholm J, Wedin L, Rück C, Gross JJ, Hesser H. (2023). Targeting maladaptive anger with brief therapist-supported internet-delivered emotion regulation treatments: A randomized controlled trial.. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Seeing what your body is doing turns an automatic reaction into something you can watch.
This kind of change is slow, and saying so at the start is a kindness. A goal you can actually reach beats a promise that turns the first bad week into proof of failure.
Angry memories come back in extraordinary detail: the tilt of the head, the exact words, the door. That vividness is what a threatened body does with a memory, not proof that the event deserves the room it is taking.
Faces in the curtains, a figure in the dark: the part of you that spots danger would rather be wrong ten times than miss once. It reads people the same way.