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Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
It helps to notice the scanning rather than to argue with it. Ask how many of today's slights you actually witnessed and how many you inferred from a tone or a slow reply. Then watch what you do afterwards, because going over the moment again and again is what turns a small thing into a long one.
Celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment (Quran 20:130). Contentment is placed at the end of a routine, which is a gentler place to live than on watch for the next slight.
طه
فَٱصۡبِرۡ عَلَىٰ مَا يَقُولُونَ وَسَبِّحۡ بِحَمۡدِ رَبِّكَ قَبۡلَ طُلُوعِ ٱلشَّمۡسِ وَقَبۡلَ غُرُوبِهَاۖ وَمِنۡ ءَانَآيِٕ ٱلَّيۡلِ فَسَبِّحۡ وَأَطۡرَافَ ٱلنَّهَارِ لَعَلَّكَ تَرۡضَىٰ
so [Prophet] be patient with what they say- celebrate the praise of your Lord, before the rising and setting of the sun, celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment
Qur’an 20:130read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a laboratory study with 69 couples, dwelling on a provocation pushed aggression up while reappraising it pulled aggression down, and alcohol loosened restraint on top of that. The dwelling, not only the original offence, was doing real work. It was a controlled lab task rather than a row at home, so read it as a direction of travel.
Watkins LE, DiLillo D, Maldonado RC. (2015). The interactive effects of emotion regulation and alcohol intoxication on lab-based intimate partner aggression.. Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Looking for offence keeps finding it, and every replay tops the feeling back up.
If you drink, notice that a grievance carried into a drink is far more likely to come back out as something you regret.
The shape of the whole thing is simple. Find the judgement that stings, meet it, talk it through, meet it again with a different intention, talk it through, then mark that you did it.
When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.
Let yourself be five minutes late to something that does not matter. Then ask how you would feel if a friend were five minutes late to you.