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Areas › Anger › Making it stick
This is something you can test rather than something to believe. Catch yourself narrating: he always does this, she has no respect, typical. Then describe the same scene with nothing added, only what actually happened, and see what your shoulders do.
Do not grieve over them; do not be distressed by their scheming (Quran 16:127). The instruction is about how much room you hand over to what someone else did.
النحل
وَٱصۡبِرۡ وَمَا صَبۡرُكَ إِلَّا بِٱللَّهِۚ وَلَا تَحۡزَنۡ عَلَيۡهِمۡ وَلَا تَكُ فِي ضَيۡقࣲ مِّمَّا يَمۡكُرُونَ
So [Prophet] be steadfast: your steadfastness comes only from God. Do not grieve over them; do not be distressed by their scheming
Qur’an 16:127read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In an analysis within a trial of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, the capacity to stand back from your own thinking rose in the people doing that practice and not in those taking medication. That is one specific skill, measured during recovery from depression, and it is not a study of anger or of blame. What it does suggest is that this stepping back is trainable and that it came from doing the practice.
Peter Bieling; Lance L. Hawley; Richard T. Bloch; Kathleen Corcoran; Robert D. Levitan; L. Trevor Young (2012). Treatment-specific changes in decentering following mindfulness-based cognitive therapy versus antidepressant medication or placebo for prevention of depressive relapse.. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Anger is largely built out of the verdict, so easing the verdict takes away its fuel.
A cold shower hands you a clean, timed urge to work with. You plan a minute, and four seconds in every part of you wants out: notice it, breathe, let the wave pass, then notice it come back.
The aim is not to stop feeling angry. It is to stretch the time between the feeling arriving and you doing anything about it, from no seconds to a few.
Reaching for your water at dinner is a chance to practise. Stop your hand for a second, notice that you want it, then go ahead and drink.