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Areas › Anger › The fear underneath anger
Notice how much anger is really the defence of a position: I already know this, you are treating me like a fool. Put the position down and most of that fuel goes with it. There is a strange relief in being allowed not to know things, and it makes you far easier to be near.
I do not pretend to be blameless, for man's very soul incites him to evil (Quran 12:53). Not claiming to be finished is treated there as honesty, not as humiliation.
يوسف
۞وَمَآ أُبَرِّئُ نَفۡسِيٓۚ إِنَّ ٱلنَّفۡسَ لَأَمَّارَةُۢ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ إِلَّا مَا رَحِمَ رَبِّيٓۚ إِنَّ رَبِّي غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمࣱ
I do not pretend to be blameless, for man’s very soul incites him to evil unless my Lord shows mercy: He is most forgiving, most merciful.’
Qur’an 12:53read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A meta-analytic review of 75 studies found that people highly sensitive to rejection reported moderately higher depression, anxiety and loneliness. Being corrected lands on that same nerve for many people, which is part of why it stings out of proportion. These are associations rather than causes, and moderate ones at that.
Gao S, Assink M, Cipriani A, Lin K. (2017). Associations between rejection sensitivity and mental health outcomes: A meta-analytic review.. Clinical psychology review doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
If you have not claimed to be finished, a correction is information rather than a demotion.
Holding yourself in is effortful for everybody, every time. When it slips you have not uncovered a permanent fault in yourself.
When somebody's anger is filling the room, the bravest sentence available is usually the plainest one: you are frightening me right now.
Anger is often a bluff, a show of size put on by something that feels small. Knowing that is not an insult to you, it is probably the most useful thing you can know about it.