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Areas › Anger › Righteous anger and perfectionism
So the moves that work are unglamorous: naming what is happening, granting that it made sense, taking the fear seriously instead of arguing it down. Suppression looks like control from the outside and feels like pressure from the inside, and pressure comes out somewhere. Roughly what you would offer a frightened friend is what the frightened part of you needs, which is an odd thing to practise, and it does work.
Had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you (Quran 3:159). Harshness scatters people, and that holds for the parts of yourself you are trying to get in hand.
آل عمران
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡهُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God: God loves those who put their trust in Him
Qur’an 3:159read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a wait-list randomised trial, a loving-kindness programme reduced self-criticism among people who were highly self-critical. Warmth turned towards yourself did more than instruction to stop. The sample was small, so treat it as a promising line rather than a finished case.
Shahar B, Szsepsenwol O, Zilcha-Mano S, Haim N, Zamir O, Levi-Yeshuvi S, Levit-Binnun N. (2015). A wait-list randomized controlled trial of loving-kindness meditation programme for self-criticism.. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A threat system stands down when it feels heard, not when it is told off.
Someone who holds themselves to an exact standard will often hear a gentle correction as an attack. With them the useful thing is timing: build some trust before you offer the other way of seeing it.
When someone is in full flood, leaving is allowed. Getting out of the way of a person who is past listening is a skill, not a defeat.
Anger that your friends, your feed or your workplace rewards is the hardest kind to put down, because letting it go costs you something socially.