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Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Not half-present behind a screen. Turned toward, eyes up, entirely here for a moment.
The Qur'an praises those who listen to what is said and take the best of it. A few minutes of genuine listening, with nothing else competing for you, is that quality of attention given to the person closest to you.
الزمر
ٱلَّذِينَ يَسۡتَمِعُونَ ٱلۡقَوۡلَ فَيَتَّبِعُونَ أَحۡسَنَهُۥٓۚ أُوْلَٰٓئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ هَدَىٰهُمُ ٱللَّهُۖ وَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ هُمۡ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡأَلۡبَٰبِ
who listen to what is said and follow what is best. These are the ones God has guided; these are the people of understanding
Qur’an 39:18read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The E in Johnson's accessible, responsive and engaged is about being emotionally there rather than merely in the room. A few minutes turned fully towards your spouse, with nothing else competing, is what registers as being cared for.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
A.R.E.: Are you Accessible, Responsive and Engaged? Johnson holds that every quarrel is a variation on one attachment question, can I reach you, and that a partner who can answer yes to the three provides the safe haven the bond depends on.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Engaged presence is felt as being cared for and prioritised.
Where this sits: EFT, A.R.E.: Engaged, full presence with your partner.