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Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › Shame
This is worth saying out loud between two people, because each usually thinks their own soft spot is embarrassing and the other's is obvious. Try naming yours as a fact instead of a confession: crowds drain me, being ignored gets me quickly, sudden loudness frightens me. Facts can be planned around. Confessions just sit there being shameful.
'It is God who creates you weak, then gives you strength, then weakness after strength' (Quran 30:54). Frailty is placed inside the normal shape of a life rather than at the edge of it.
الروم
۞ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن ضَعۡفࣲ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنۢ بَعۡدِ ضَعۡفࣲ قُوَّةࣰ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنۢ بَعۡدِ قُوَّةࣲ ضَعۡفࣰ ا وَشَيۡبَةࣰۚ يَخۡلُقُ مَا يَشَآءُۚ وَهُوَ ٱلۡعَلِيمُ ٱلۡقَدِيرُ
It is God who creates you weak, then gives you strength, then weakness after strength, together with your grey hair: He creates what He will; He is the All Knowing, the All Powerful
Qur’an 30:54read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
An updated systematic review found that harsh self criticism runs across many different disorders rather than sitting inside depression alone, and behaves as a shared vulnerability. It reviews associations rather than testing cause, but it does undercut the idea that being hard on yourself marks you out as unusual. It is common enough to be nearly ordinary.
Werner AM, Tibubos AN, Rohrmann S, Reiss N. (2019). The clinical trait self-criticism and its relation to psychopathology: A systematic review - Update.. Journal of affective disorders doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
If a sensitivity was handed to you rather than chosen, there is nothing in it to be ashamed of.
With someone deep in shame, your steady presence is not the warm up before the useful part. It is the useful part.
With someone carrying old shame, ask about the closeness itself. Is it alright that I am sitting here with you? Would a bit more space help? Then adjust, and let them see you adjust.
Change the sentence from 'I am bad' to 'I am feeling bad right now'. It is a small grammatical move and it changes what you are actually dealing with.