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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
I got defensive and shut you out. Full stop, no and you. Clean ownership softens things.
They said, our Lord, we have wronged ourselves (Qur'an 7:23). Owning your part cleanly is the prayer of the humble.
الأعراف
قَالَا رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَٰسِرِينَ
They replied, ‘Our Lord, we have wronged our souls: if You do not forgive us and have mercy, we shall be lost.’
Qur’an 7:23read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In revisiting a rocky moment, Johnson has each partner claim their own step in the pattern with nothing appended. I got defensive and shut you out, full stop, lets your spouse stop defending, because there is no accusation left to answer.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 3, Revisiting a Rocky Moment. Johnson has the couple slow one incident down and trace their own moves in the dance, on the principle that a cycle can only be interrupted at a point both partners can see.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Blameless ownership invites the other to lower their guard too.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 3: owning your own move with no counter-charge attached.