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Areas › Your marriage › Affection and touch
The instinct is to withdraw. Do the opposite: move toward, take a hand, let them in.
Do not grieve, God is with us (Qur'an 9:40). Reaching for a companion in fear echoes that nearness.
التوبة
إِلَّا تَنصُرُوهُ فَقَدۡ نَصَرَهُ ٱللَّهُ إِذۡ أَخۡرَجَهُ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ ثَانِيَ ٱثۡنَيۡنِ إِذۡ هُمَا فِي ٱلۡغَارِ إِذۡ يَقُولُ لِصَٰحِبِهِۦ لَا تَحۡزَنۡ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَنَاۖ فَأَنزَلَ ٱللَّهُ سَكِينَتَهُۥ عَلَيۡهِ وَأَيَّدَهُۥ بِجُنُودࣲ لَّمۡ تَرَوۡهَا وَجَعَلَ كَلِمَةَ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ ٱلسُّفۡلَىٰۗ وَكَلِمَةُ ٱللَّهِ هِيَ ٱلۡعُلۡيَاۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌ
Even if you do not help the Prophet, God helped him when the disbelievers drove him out: when the two of them were in the cave, he [Muhammad] said to his companion, ‘Do not worry, God is with us,’ and God sent His calm down to him, aided him with forces invisible to you, and brought down the disbelievers’ plan. God’s plan is higher: God is almighty and wise
Qur’an 9:40read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Fear pushes most of us to armour up and manage alone. Emotionally focused therapy holds that the bond changes when you reach for your partner in exactly that moment, because a reach they can answer turns a lonely moment into a shared one.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 4, Hold Me Tight. The bonding conversation: each partner states the attachment need plainly, hold me, tell me I matter, and the other answers it. Johnson holds this reach and response is the change event of the therapy, not a by-product of it.
Coan, J.; Schaefer, H.; Davidson, R. (2006). Lending a Hand. Psychological Science doi
Spousal handholding attenuated neural threat response; effect tracked marital quality.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Turning toward a partner in distress, rather than away, builds secure attachment.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 4: reaching rather than hiding when the fear rises.