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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
The push that seeks closeness often creates distance. Try a softer, slower reach.
Repel harshness with what is better, and coldness turns to warmth (Qur'an 41:34). A softer approach draws near what pressure pushes away.
فصلت
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In emotionally focused therapy the pressing partner is asked to reach softly rather than harder, since the pressure for contact is what the other is retreating from. Asking once, gently, then waiting gives your spouse room to come towards you of their own accord.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
Stage 2, withdrawer re-engagement and blamer softening. Johnson holds that lasting change comes when the withdrawing partner returns and states their needs, and the pursuing partner then asks for comfort from a soft place rather than demanding it from a hard one.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A pursuer softening lets the withdrawer come forward instead of retreating.
Where this sits: EFT, Stage 2 Step 7: blamer softening, a gentler reach in place of the push.