Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Criticism is often a protest from someone who feels alone and unmet. Softening, letting your partner see the hurt beneath the sharpness and asking directly for closeness, is what finally gets the need met.
If a couple fears estrangement, there is no blame in seeking a peaceful settlement, for peace is best, though human souls are prone to selfishness (Quran 4:128). Softening past our own selfish edge to seek peace is exactly the good the verse points toward.
النساء
وَإِنِ ٱمۡرَأَةٌ خَافَتۡ مِنۢ بَعۡلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوۡ إِعۡرَاضࣰ ا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيۡهِمَآ أَن يُصۡلِحَا بَيۡنَهُمَا صُلۡحࣰ اۚ وَٱلصُّلۡحُ خَيۡرࣱۗ وَأُحۡضِرَتِ ٱلۡأَنفُسُ ٱلشُّحَّۚ وَإِن تُحۡسِنُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
If a wife fears high-handedness or alienation from her husband, neither of them will be blamed if they come to a peaceful settlement, for peace is best. Although human souls are prone to selfishness, if you do good and are mindful of God, He is well aware of all that you do
Qur’an 4:128read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson calls the critical partner's softening a pivotal change event: the one who has been sharp touches the fear and longing under the anger and asks for closeness from there. Because the request arrives soft rather than as an attack, the other partner can finally move towards it instead of bracing.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
Stage 2, withdrawer re-engagement and blamer softening. Johnson holds that lasting change comes when the withdrawing partner returns and states their needs, and the pursuing partner then asks for comfort from a soft place rather than demanding it from a hard one.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
When a critical partner reaches from the softer emotion under the anger, the other can respond with care instead of defence, and a bonding moment becomes possible.
Where this sits: EFT, Stage 2 Step 7: Blamer Softening.