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Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Divided attention says you are second. Undivided attention, even for a minute, says you are first.
The Quran praises those who listen to what is said and follow what is best, and calls them people of understanding (39:18). Listening like that needs your face, not half of it.
الزمر
ٱلَّذِينَ يَسۡتَمِعُونَ ٱلۡقَوۡلَ فَيَتَّبِعُونَ أَحۡسَنَهُۥٓۚ أُوْلَٰٓئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ هَدَىٰهُمُ ٱللَّهُۖ وَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ هُمۡ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡأَلۡبَٰبِ
who listen to what is said and follow what is best. These are the ones God has guided; these are the people of understanding
Qur’an 39:18read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In Gottman's account of turning toward, attention is the currency of the bond, and divided attention is heard as a partial refusal. Putting the phone down for one exchange gives the bid a whole answer instead of half of one.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 3, Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Romance is built in the ordinary moment when one partner makes a small bid and the other turns toward it. The running total of those turnings, not the grand gesture, is what fills the emotional bank account.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Full presence in small exchanges is the clearest signal of being valued.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away; Small Things Often, undivided attention to a bid.