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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Summarize what they mean until they say yes, that is it. Then, and only then, your turn.
Stand firm for justice, witnesses for God, even against yourselves (Qur'an 4:135). Repeating your spouse's case fairly, even when it costs you, is that justice.
النساء
۞يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ كُونُواْ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوۡ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَوِ ٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ وَٱلۡأَقۡرَبِينَۚ إِن يَكُنۡ غَنِيًّا أَوۡ فَقِيرࣰ ا فَٱللَّهُ أَوۡلَىٰ بِهِمَاۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُواْ ٱلۡهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعۡدِلُواْۚ وَإِن تَلۡوُۥٓاْ أَوۡ تُعۡرِضُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act justly- if you distort or neglect justice, God is fully aware of what you do
Qur’an 4:135read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The Gottman Rapoport exercise makes the listener summarise the speaker's position until the speaker confirms it is right, before arguing their own. Gottman's claim is that nobody can take in another view until their own has landed.
John M. Gottman (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton
The Gottman-Rapoport intervention. Adapted from Anatol Rapoport: the listener must summarise the speaker's position to the speaker's satisfaction and validate it before replying, on the principle that understanding must precede persuasion.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Feeling understood first is what lets a person hear the other side at all.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Gottman-Rapoport intervention (Listener: summarise until they say yes, that is it).