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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Most deadlocks are a small core need wrapped in a lot that is negotiable. Protect the core, trade the edges.
Reconciliation is best, says the Qur'an (4:128). The settlement that honours both is nearer to that than a win.
النساء
وَإِنِ ٱمۡرَأَةٌ خَافَتۡ مِنۢ بَعۡلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوۡ إِعۡرَاضࣰ ا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيۡهِمَآ أَن يُصۡلِحَا بَيۡنَهُمَا صُلۡحࣰ اۚ وَٱلصُّلۡحُ خَيۡرࣱۗ وَأُحۡضِرَتِ ٱلۡأَنفُسُ ٱلشُّحَّۚ وَإِن تُحۡسِنُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
If a wife fears high-handedness or alienation from her husband, neither of them will be blamed if they come to a peaceful settlement, for peace is best. Although human souls are prone to selfishness, if you do good and are mindful of God, He is well aware of all that you do
Qur’an 4:128read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's approach to compromise asks each partner to separate the one need they cannot give up from the wide area where they can bend. Defending the whole position produces deadlock; protecting a narrow core makes an agreement possible.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 4, Let Your Partner Influence You. A marriage works when each partner yields on something in order to win the relationship, and a husband who refuses to accept influence is at high risk of the marriage ending.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Separating the core need from the flexible edges makes a workable agreement possible.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; The Art of Compromise (core needs versus areas of flexibility).