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Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
Remorse that is felt and shown, not performed to end the discomfort, is the seed of rebuilt trust.
Turn to God in sincere repentance (Quran 66:8). Sincere turning, felt and not merely spoken, is the beginning of return.
التحريم
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ تُوبُوٓاْ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ تَوۡبَةࣰ نَّصُوحًا عَسَىٰ رَبُّكُمۡ أَن يُكَفِّرَ عَنكُمۡ سَيِّـَٔاتِكُمۡ وَيُدۡخِلَكُمۡ جَنَّٰتࣲ تَجۡرِي مِن تَحۡتِهَا ٱلۡأَنۡهَٰرُ يَوۡمَ لَا يُخۡزِي ٱللَّهُ ٱلنَّبِيَّ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ مَعَهُۥۖ نُورُهُمۡ يَسۡعَىٰ بَيۡنَ أَيۡدِيهِمۡ وَبِأَيۡمَٰنِهِمۡ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَآ أَتۡمِمۡ لَنَا نُورَنَا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَآۖ إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيۡءࣲ قَدِيرࣱ
Believers, turn to God in sincere repentance. Your Lord may well cancel your bad deeds for you and admit you into Gardens graced with flowing streams, on a Day when God will not disgrace the Prophet or those who have believed with him. With their lights streaming out ahead of them and to their right, they will say, ‘Lord, perfect our lights for us and forgive us: You have power over everything.’
Qur’an 66:8read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman puts genuine, expressed remorse at the centre of the atone phase, and treats a defensive or minimising response as the sign a couple will not recover. The apology has to be felt rather than performed to end the discomfort.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Atone, Attune, Attach. The betrayer atones without conditions and the hurt partner sets the pace; the couple then rebuilds attunement; and only then attachment. Skipping ahead to reconnection produces what Gottman calls cheap forgiveness.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Sincere, expressed remorse from the one who broke trust is essential to the injured partner's healing.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 1: Atone (express remorse).
The partner who broke trust answers questions with complete transparency and hides nothing going forward.
Do not rush to analyze why it happened. That comes much later, and never as a way to shift blame.
Atonement is not only apology; it is changed behavior over time. Let your actions become the apology.