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Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › Shame
Naming it does the opposite of exposing it. Left unnamed it works away in private, and the person assumes you have noticed and are judging. Said out loud, kindly, it becomes one more thing in the room that you are both looking at together. Follow it with curiosity rather than reassurance. What happened just then, was it something I said? If no answer comes, let the question sit.
The Qur'an speaks of 'those who remember God and implore forgiveness for their sins if they do something shameful' (Quran 3:135). The shameful thing is stated plainly, and the attention moves to the response instead of the concealment.
آل عمران
وَٱلَّذِينَ إِذَا فَعَلُواْ فَٰحِشَةً أَوۡ ظَلَمُوٓاْ أَنفُسَهُمۡ ذَكَرُواْ ٱللَّهَ فَٱسۡتَغۡفَرُواْ لِذُنُوبِهِمۡ وَمَن يَغۡفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهُ وَلَمۡ يُصِرُّواْ عَلَىٰ مَا فَعَلُواْ وَهُمۡ يَعۡلَمُونَ
those who remember God and implore forgiveness for their sins if they do something shameful or wrong themselves- who forgives sins but God?- and who never knowingly persist in doing wrong
Qur’an 3:135read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A randomised controlled trial of a manualised group treatment for internalised stigma in people with severe mental illness found it reduced that internalised shame, which shows self directed shame about a condition can be worked on directly rather than only worked around. It was one trial in one population, so how far it carries over is still open.
Yanos PT, Roe D, West ML, Smith SM, Lysaker PH. (2012). Group-based treatment for internalized stigma among persons with severe mental illness: findings from a randomized controlled trial.. Psychological services doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Shame lives on being hidden, so being seen and not backed away from takes its power.
A child facing a frightening parent often reaches for the safer story: I am the bad one and they are fine. It costs the child their sense of worth and buys them a world that still makes sense.
When a child cannot stop what is happening, the mind often settles on the one explanation that leaves some control: it must be me. Being powerless and being at fault are not the same thing, though they can feel identical.
When someone tells you they have failed, the most useful thing you can do is nothing clever. Let your face stay soft and keep looking at them.