Areas › Anger
Anger
Almost nobody wants to be the person who says the thing they cannot take back. The window between the surge and the words is short and it can be widened. That is most of what this area is about, along with the fear or hurt that anger is usually protecting.
What works for this
Anger control, with distress tolerance
Anger has a runway, and the earlier you step onto it the less force you need. The work is in the seconds before, not in the explosion, and it starts with the body rather than the thought.
One move, today
Name the first physical sign you get. Jaw, chest, hands, heat in the face. That sign is your only warning, and noticing it is the whole skill.
What matches
5 practicesYour body treats an insult with the same urgency as a threat to your safety, and the two are not the same at all. Saying that to yourself plainly, while it is happening, takes some of the false emergency out of it.
Have a short line ready and use it while the heat is still rising. Nothing here is actually being taken from me. It will not make the sting vanish…
When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.
There is a difference between seeing what you did and grading it. Seeing keeps it available as a choice next time, while grading makes you want to…
Ask how settled you are and you will usually say fine. Look at your breathing instead, since it is generally more honest than the answer you give.
Quick, shallow breathing high in the chest usually means the moment is not over yet, whatever you have just told someone. In a session a therapist…
Going silent and hard is not a neutral act. A fixed stare and a set brow land on the other person's body as threat, even though you have not said a word.
People often think they are being restrained when they go cold, and are then surprised by how frightened or defensive the other person becomes. If…
Be careful with the language about growing a thicker skin. Before anyone is asked to mind less, someone has to check that what they are minding really is only a slight.
Where the insults are discrimination, bullying or the run up to abuse, telling a person to toughen up is telling them to distrust an accurate reading…