Areas › Low mood and hard feelings

Low mood and hard feelings

Feelings are information before they are problems. The practices here are about naming what you feel accurately, sitting with what will not move yet, and acting on what matters to you even on the days nothing feels like anything.

What works for this

Behavioural activation

The strongest self help evidence in this whole field says the way out of a flat heavy state is through what you do, not through what you think. You act first and the feeling follows, which is the opposite of what the state tells you.

One move, today

Choose one small thing you used to do and do it today without waiting to feel like it. Ten minutes is enough. Waiting to feel like it is the trap.

What matches

6 practices

Narrow these down

Point at the body. 'Your hands went up just then', or 'you put your head in your hands', gives a feeling something solid to stand on.

Feelings argued about in the abstract go round and round. A gesture you both just watched is much harder to dispute, and it opens a door: what was…

A minuteEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 39:23One line of research

Once the feeling is actually in the room, ask the plain question: what did you hear her saying about you? The answer is usually where the sting really lives.

A comment about the washing up does not floor anyone by itself. It floors you because of what you heard underneath it, something along the lines of…

Five minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 40:19One line of research

Watch for the swerve. Right after something tender gets said, along comes a story about a brother or a colleague or a thing from years ago, and the tender part quietly gets left behind.

Swerving is not dishonesty. It is what people do when a feeling gets close, and it works, which is exactly why it is so easy to follow along.…

Five minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 21:87One line of research

Pulling back makes you harder to reach, which makes people give up on reaching, which looks like proof that nobody was coming. The loop closes itself.

Being told to open up rarely breaks it, because opening up in one go is exactly the risk the whole strategy exists to prevent. What breaks it is…

Five minutesWhen you go numbEmotionally focusedQur’an 39:23One line of research

You did not choose which things hurt you. Where you are tender was set long before you had any say in it, and the only live question is what you do with it now.

This is worth saying out loud between two people, because each usually thinks their own soft spot is embarrassing and the other's is obvious. Try…

Five minutesShameEmotionally focusedQur’an 30:54One line of research

There is a real difference between not caring and not knowing how. A lot of what gets called failing at a relationship is simply a skill nobody ever taught you.

If you go blank when your partner cries, or answer hurt with logic, ask who ever showed you anything better. Probably nobody did. A gap like that can…

Five minutesShameEmotionally focusedQur’an 93:7One line of research

Learn this in order

Another course here · 42 minutesWhen you are told it is weak faithSix short lessons for anyone who has been told, or has told themselves, that a flat and heavy few months is a religious failure. It separates…Another question here · 8 minutesIs depression a sin, or a sign of weak faith?It is neither. Depression is an illness with a course and a treatment, and nothing in the Qur'an or the sound Sunnah makes low mood a moral failing.…Everything in this areaEmotions Another course here · 38 minutesThe first year nobody prepared you forSix short lessons for the first year after a baby. It separates the low days that lift on their own from the low mood that does not, and it names the…