Lesson 4 of 6 · Living alongside it
Keeping the connection, which you are not required to give up
Some grief material talks about letting go, moving on, and severing the bond as though it were the goal. That is not the position here and it is not the position of the tradition.
The relationship continues, and it has things in it that you can still do. Supplication for them. Charity given on their behalf. Debts settled. Ties kept with the people they loved. Saying their name out loud in a house where everybody has gone quiet about it.
This matters for a practical reason as well as a religious one. A bereaved Muslim who keeps a living connection to the dead is doing something normal, and any framework that treats a continuing bond as a symptom is measuring you with the wrong instrument. Lesson six comes back to that.
Every item on that list has something behind it. A man asked whether he could give charity on behalf of his mother, who had died suddenly, because he thought she would have wanted to, and was told yes. When a person dies his deeds come to an end except three, and one of the three is a righteous child who prays for him. He visited his mother's grave and wept there, and made the people with him weep. And years after Khadija died he was still saying her name out loud, still sending meat to the women she had been close to, and when he was told it was as though there were no other woman on earth, he did not stop and he did not apologise.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Every item on that list has something behind it, and this is the first. The question was put and it was answered yes, which is why giving on a dead parent's behalf is a practice rather than a private comfort.
Narrated `Aisha:A man said to the Prophet, "My mother died suddenly, and I think that if she could speak, she would have given in charity. May I give in charity on her behalf?" He said, "Yes! Give in charity on her behalf
Sahih al-Bukhari 2760graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
When a person dies his deeds come to an end except three, and one of the three is a righteous child who prays for him. That is what sits behind supplication for them: the relationship is described as continuing rather than closing.
It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah said:"When a man dies all his good deeds come to an end except three: Ongoing charity (Sadaqah Jariyah), beneficial knowledge and a righteous son who prays for him
Sunan an-Nasa'i 3651graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
Years after Khadija died he was still saying her name out loud, still sending meat to the women she had been close to, and when he was told it was as though there were no other woman on earth he did not stop and did not apologise. That is what sits behind saying their name in a house that has gone quiet about it.
Narrated `Aisha:I did not feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) as much as I did of Khadija though I did not see her, but the Prophet (ﷺ) used to mention her very often, and when ever he slaughtered a sheep, he would cut its parts and send them to the women friends of Khadija. When I sometimes said to him, "(You treat Khadija in such a way) as if there is no woman on earth except Khadija," he would say, "Khadija was such-and-such, and from her I had children
Sahih al-Bukhari 3818graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
He visited his mother's grave and wept there, and made the people with him weep. That is what sits behind having a place you can go to.
Abu Huraira reported:The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) visited the grave of his mother and he wept, and moved others around him to tears, and said: I sought permission from my Lord to beg forgiveness for her but it was not granted to me, and I sought permission to visit her grave and it was granted to me so visit the graves, for that makes you mindful of death
Sahih Muslim 976graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading