Lesson 6 of 6 · When grief has become something else
The caveat this platform will not leave out
One of the two systems asks whether the response exceeds what is expected given a person's social, cultural or religious norms. That clause is doing a great deal of work, and for a Muslim it is worth saying out loud.
Our mourning practices, the way grief is expressed among us, and the ongoing relationship we keep with the dead through supplication and charity on their behalf, are not the same as the samples these instruments were built on.
A continuing bond with someone who has died is normal in Islam. Making dua for your father every night for twenty years is not a symptom of anything. Giving sadaqah in your mother's name is not an inability to let go.
If you see a clinician, say this. A good one will want to know it. What you are looking for is somebody who can tell the difference between a religious practice and a symptom, and if they cannot, they are the wrong clinician and not a verdict on you.
None of those three is a private habit that happens to be religious. Charity given on behalf of a mother who died suddenly, asked about and answered with yes. The supplication of a righteous child named as one of the three things that do not stop when a person dies. And a name still said out loud years afterwards, with the ties to her people kept up. They are below. If a clinician asks whether the bond has persisted, that is what they are asking about.
Qur’an and Sunnah
None of these three is a private habit that happens to be religious. This is the first. Charity given on behalf of a mother who died suddenly, asked about and answered with yes.
Narrated `Aisha:A man said to the Prophet, "My mother died suddenly, and I think that if she could speak, she would have given in charity. May I give in charity on her behalf?" He said, "Yes! Give in charity on her behalf
Sahih al-Bukhari 2760graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
The supplication of a righteous child is named as one of the three things that do not stop when a person dies. Making dua for your father every night for twenty years is not a private habit that happens to be religious. It is this.
It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah said:"When a man dies all his good deeds come to an end except three: Ongoing charity (Sadaqah Jariyah), beneficial knowledge and a righteous son who prays for him
Sunan an-Nasa'i 3651graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
A name still said out loud years afterwards, with the ties to her people kept up. If a clinician asks whether the bond has persisted, this is what they are asking about, and it is a practice rather than a symptom.
Narrated `Aisha:I did not feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) as much as I did of Khadija though I did not see her, but the Prophet (ﷺ) used to mention her very often, and when ever he slaughtered a sheep, he would cut its parts and send them to the women friends of Khadija. When I sometimes said to him, "(You treat Khadija in such a way) as if there is no woman on earth except Khadija," he would say, "Khadija was such-and-such, and from her I had children
Sahih al-Bukhari 3818graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading