Lesson 5 of 6 · What keeps the wound open
The verses that get used against you
Three pieces of text turn up in this conversation constantly and each of them is being made to say something it does not say.
Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. This gets used to suggest that wanting a child is a slightly worldly appetite you should be embarrassed by. Adornment is not a term of disparagement in the Qur'an. And read fairly, the verse gives a bereaved parent something rather than taking something away, because what it says endures is the other category, and you still have access to that.
Your wealth and your children are but a trial. This gets used to suggest the child was a burden that has now been lifted. The same word is used of wealth, and nobody has ever concluded that wealth is a bad thing. It means that through which a person is examined, and it says nothing about the worth of what was lost.
And with hardship comes ease, twice over. That is not a timetable, and the popular reading turns it into one. Nothing in it promises that the ease arrives by any particular point, and being told it will be soon is not the same as being told anything.
The report below is a separate matter and it needs saying plainly. It is sound. It is guidance at the point of choosing a spouse. It is also, routinely, quoted at a woman who is already married and already grieving in order to suggest she was a defective choice, or quoted at a man to push him towards remarrying. The text is not the problem. That deployment of it is, and it is a misuse rather than an application.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The first of three being made to say something they do not say. Adornment is not a term of disparagement, and read fairly the verse gives a bereaved parent something rather than taking something away, because what it says endures is the other category.
ٱلۡمَالُ وَٱلۡبَنُونَ زِينَةُ ٱلۡحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنۡيَاۖ وَٱلۡبَٰقِيَٰتُ ٱلصَّٰلِحَٰتُ خَيۡرٌ عِندَ رَبِّكَ ثَوَابࣰ ا وَخَيۡرٌ أَمَلࣰ ا
Wealth and children are the attractions of this worldly life, but lasting good works have a better reward with your Lord and give better grounds for hope
Qur’an 18:46
The second. It gets used to suggest the child was a burden that has now been lifted. The same word is used of wealth, and nobody has ever concluded that wealth is a bad thing.
وَٱعۡلَمُوٓاْ أَنَّمَآ أَمۡوَٰلُكُمۡ وَأَوۡلَٰدُكُمۡ فِتۡنَةࣱ وَأَنَّ ٱللَّهَ عِندَهُۥٓ أَجۡرٌ عَظِيمࣱ
Be aware that your possessions and your children are only a test, and that there is a tremendous reward with God
Qur’an 8:28
The same statement in a second place, shown because what matters is what the word means rather than any one verse. It means that through which a person is examined, and it says nothing about the worth of what was lost.
إِنَّمَآ أَمۡوَٰلُكُمۡ وَأَوۡلَٰدُكُمۡ فِتۡنَةࣱۚ وَٱللَّهُ عِندَهُۥٓ أَجۡرٌ عَظِيمࣱ
Your wealth and your children are only a test for you. There is great reward with God
Qur’an 64:15
The third of the three texts that get used the wrong way round here. It is not a timetable, and the popular reading turns it into one.
فَإِنَّ مَعَ ٱلۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا
So truly where there is hardship there is also ease
Qur’an 94:5
And said again in the very next verse. Nothing in either one promises that the ease arrives by any particular point, so being told it will be soon is not the same as being told anything.
إِنَّ مَعَ ٱلۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرࣰ ا
truly where there is hardship there is also ease
Qur’an 94:6
Plainly: it is sound, and it is guidance at the point of choosing a spouse. It is also routinely quoted at a woman who is already married and already grieving, or at a man to push him towards remarrying. The text is not the problem. That deployment of it is, and it is a misuse rather than an application.
Narrated Ma'qil ibn Yasar: A man came to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said: I have found a woman of rank and beauty, but she does not give birth to children. Should I marry her? He said: No. He came again to him, but he prohibited him. He came to him third time, and he (the Prophet) said: Marry women who are loving and very prolific, for I shall outnumber the peoples by you
Sunan Abi Dawud 2050graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.