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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Naming the number makes the feeling something you are watching, rather than something driving you.
The Prophet ﷺ said the strong person is not the one who overpowers others, but the one who masters himself when anger takes hold. Reading your own temperature is the first act of that mastery.
آل عمران
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Narrated Abu Huraira:Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger
Sahih al-Bukhari 6114graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
You cannot steer a feeling you have not named. Putting a number on it turns the heat from something driving you into something you are watching, and once watched, it loosens its grip.
Gottman, J.; Levenson, R. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Interaction patterns and physiological arousal predicting dissolution.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Labelling your own arousal lowers it and buys a moment before the reflex.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.