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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Thoughts like I do not have to take this keep you flooded. Turn to something calming instead.
In the remembrance of God hearts find peace (Quran 13:28). Turning the mind to Him, not the grievance, is where the calm returns.
الرعد
ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَتَطۡمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِۗ أَلَا بِذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطۡمَئِنُّ ٱلۡقُلُوبُ
those who have faith and whose hearts find peace in the remembrance of God- truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace
Qur’an 13:28read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's point about breaks is that they only work if you stop feeding the fight in your head. Rehearsing how wronged you are keeps the body flooded, so a real break means turning your attention to something calming.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 5, step 3, soothe yourself and each other. Once a partner is flooded, no productive conversation is possible. Gottman prescribes a break of at least twenty minutes spent genuinely distracted rather than rehearsing the grievance.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Dropping distress-maintaining thoughts during a break is what actually lets the body calm down.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; self-soothing, avoiding distress-maintaining thoughts.