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Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Think of the smallest thing you told your spouse you would do and have not done. The call, the form, the shelf. Do it today, not because it matters, but because you said it.
Among the signs of hypocrisy the Prophet ﷺ named was this: when he promises, he breaks it. The weight the Sunnah places on a kept word is not reserved for solemn oaths. It reaches down to the ordinary things we say we will do.
الإسراء
وَلَا تَقۡرَبُواْ مَالَ ٱلۡيَتِيمِ إِلَّا بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ حَتَّىٰ يَبۡلُغَ أَشُدَّهُۥۚ وَأَوۡفُواْ بِٱلۡعَهۡدِۖ إِنَّ ٱلۡعَهۡدَ كَانَ مَسۡـُٔولࣰ ا
Do not go near the orphan’s property, except with the best [intentions], until he reaches the age of maturity. Honour your pledges: you will be questioned about your pledges
Qur’an 17:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The task is not the point. The evidence is the point.
Reis, H. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. Interdisciplinary research on close relationships: The case for integration.
PPR as the active ingredient common to healthy relationships.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Reliability at small scale is the substrate of trust at large scale. Follow-through on minor stated intentions is a repeated, low-cost signal of responsiveness.
Trust at scale is built from evidence at small scale. Big promises are rare and usually kept; it is the tiny stated intentions that quietly accumulate into a track record. "I'll sort it this weekend," said three weekends ago, teaches your spouse something about how much your words weigh, and they learn it without either of you noticing the lesson being taught. The repair is not an apology. It is doing one of them today, and then doing the next one.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away.