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Areas › Worry and anxiety › The cost of avoiding
A hug at the door and a hand on the back on the way to the car sit on the side of going. A whole afternoon of being looked after because they did not manage it sits on the other side, however natural it feels. The question to hold is what the warmth is attached to, rather than how much of it there is.
We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But give good news to those who are steadfast (Quran 2:155). The hardship is not removed and the comfort is not withheld, and that balance is what a parent is being asked for.
البقرة
وَلَنَبۡلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيۡءࣲ مِّنَ ٱلۡخَوۡفِ وَٱلۡجُوعِ وَنَقۡصࣲ مِّنَ ٱلۡأَمۡوَٰلِ وَٱلۡأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٰتِۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّٰبِرِينَ
We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast
Qur’an 2:155read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
An empirical review of acceptance and commitment therapy for anxiety and obsessive compulsive problems found psychological flexibility, as measured by the standard questionnaire, is consistently related to anxiety. Most of that evidence is cross-sectional and leans on one self-report scale with known weaknesses. The implication is modest: flexibility is the aim, which argues against rigid rules in either direction, whether comfort at any cost or none at all.
Bluett EJ, Homan KJ, Morrison KL, Levin ME, Twohig MP. (2014). Acceptance and commitment therapy for anxiety and OCD spectrum disorders: an empirical review.. Journal of anxiety disorders doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Comfort given while someone approaches a hard thing helps them approach it, and comfort given for getting out of it teaches getting out of it.
Try saying it out loud: we can leave who was at fault for another day and both work on getting her back in. Most people accept that offer if nobody has to admit anything.
Staff who think a child is playing them will respond in ways that make school worse. A short explanation of how avoidance actually works changes what happens in the corridor.
If a child can go to the school office whenever they like and stay as long as they like, that is an exit rather than a support. Agree a length, and a gap between visits.