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Areas › Anger › What anger actually is
It matters in both directions. You are not a violent person for feeling a surge at someone, and being perfectly calm while you say something cruel is still cruelty. Judging yourself on the feeling leaves you ashamed and no safer, while looking at what you actually did gives you something you can change.
who forgive when they are angry (Quran 42:37). The anger is still there in the sentence, and what changes is what gets done with it.
الشورى
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَجۡتَنِبُونَ كَبَٰٓئِرَ ٱلۡإِثۡمِ وَٱلۡفَوَٰحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُواْ هُمۡ يَغۡفِرُونَ
who shun great sins and gross indecencies; who forgive when they are angry
Qur’an 42:37read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a laboratory study of 516 social drinkers, alcohol increased aggression mainly among those who dwelt on the provocation, which suggests what turns anger into action depends on more than the anger. The feeling and the behaviour clearly come apart. It was a laboratory aggression task rather than a real fight, in one group of drinkers.
Borders A, Giancola PR. (2011). Trait and state hostile rumination facilitate alcohol-related aggression.. Journal of studies on alcohol and drugs doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
You have far more say over what you do than over what arrives in you.
Not everyone who never gets angry is at peace. Some learned very early that showing it was dangerous, and the stillness you are admiring cost them something.
Change the question. Instead of asking what made you angry, ask what threatened, confused or unsettled you.
One clear explanation is rarely enough. Say the important part again later in different words, and expect to say it again after that.