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Areas › Anger › The fear underneath anger
The story you can tell sits in one system. The flinch sits in another one, older and quicker, and it never learned from explanations. Which means the change comes from repetition in real situations: staying a bit longer, going a bit slower, over and over, until that older part has new evidence of its own.
Truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace (Quran 13:28). Remembrance is something repeated, which is the shape this work takes too.
الرعد
ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَتَطۡمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِۗ أَلَا بِذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطۡمَئِنُّ ٱلۡقُلُوبُ
those who have faith and whose hearts find peace in the remembrance of God- truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace
Qur’an 13:28read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A meta-analysis of imaging studies found that people with histories of maltreatment showed heightened amygdala and wider social-processing responses to threatening cues, consistent with a nervous system tuned to expect danger. Tuning like that is laid down by what happened, not by what someone believes about it. The review shows the tuning clearly but says much less about what shifts it.
Hein TC, Monk CS. (2017). Research Review: Neural response to threat in children, adolescents, and adults after child maltreatment - a quantitative meta-analysis.. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
The part of you that reacts learns from experience, not from being told.
A small child is not humiliated by being ignored. The fear of looking foolish, of being criticised, of being misunderstood, all of that arrives later, which means you learned it and it is not a fixed part of you.
When somebody's anger is filling the room, the bravest sentence available is usually the plainest one: you are frightening me right now.
When your reaction is far bigger than the thing that set it off, the honest conclusion is not that you are losing your mind. Something in you learned this response somewhere, quietly, and you were never consulted about it.