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Areas › Anger › Growing empathy
It happens to everybody. You are firm, then you see the crumpled face, something turns over in you, and the consequence quietly disappears. What the child learns is that a face can move a limit. Try holding both instead: warm voice, an arm around them if they will have it, and the same limit standing where you put it.
It is good to set things right for them (Quran 2:220). Said of orphans in someone's care, it puts kindness and doing what actually helps on the same side.
البقرة
فِي ٱلدُّنۡيَا وَٱلۡأٓخِرَةِۗ وَيَسۡـَٔلُونَكَ عَنِ ٱلۡيَتَٰمَىٰۖ قُلۡ إِصۡلَاحࣱ لَّهُمۡ خَيۡرࣱۖ وَإِن تُخَالِطُوهُمۡ فَإِخۡوَٰنُكُمۡۚ وَٱللَّهُ يَعۡلَمُ ٱلۡمُفۡسِدَ مِنَ ٱلۡمُصۡلِحِۚ وَلَوۡ شَآءَ ٱللَّهُ لَأَعۡنَتَكُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمࣱ
on this world and the next. They ask you about [the property of] orphans: say, ‘It is good to set things right for them. If you combine their affairs with yours, remember they are your brothers and sisters: God knows those who spoil things and those who improve them. Had He so willed, He could have made you vulnerable too: He is almighty and wise.’
Qur’an 2:220read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Following 497 adolescents over six years, researchers found that empathic concern and perspective taking developed along different trajectories, with perspective taking increasing through the teenage years. Feeling for someone and understanding their situation are related but not the same capacity. That is worth remembering when a feeling arrives and starts making decisions on your behalf.
Van der Graaff J, Branje S, De Wied M, Hawk S, Van Lier P, Meeus W. (2014). Perspective taking and empathic concern in adolescence: gender differences in developmental changes.. Developmental psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Warmth and firmness come from different places, so one does not have to cancel out the other.
If you find you are holding the limit out of anger rather than for the child, step away and come back to it when you have cooled.
When you notice you have stopped really being there with someone, change your body before you try to change your effort. Sit forward, unfold your arms, turn to face them properly.
It is tempting to decide that a cruel person simply came without the wiring for feeling. That story is far more confident than the research allows, and it quietly excuses you from seeing them as a person.
There is a particular relief in hearing a room of strangers admit the same frightened thing you have never said aloud. It is why groups reach people that advice does not.