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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Speed is the fuel of a fight. Halve your tempo and the heat drops with it.
God praises those who restrain their anger. Slowing your voice and your pace, before you answer, is where that restraint is done.
آل عمران
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
لقمان
وَٱقۡصِدۡ فِي مَشۡيِكَ وَٱغۡضُضۡ مِن صَوۡتِكَۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ ٱلۡأَصۡوَٰتِ لَصَوۡتُ ٱلۡحَمِيرِ
Go at a moderate pace and lower your voice, for the ugliest of all voices is the braying of asses.’
Qur’an 31:19read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson's therapists deliberately slow the pace and soften the voice when feeling runs high, on the view that speed and volume keep the alarm ringing. Borrowing that in your own conflict, halving your tempo and dropping your volume, gives you both room enough to hear each other.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
RISSSC: Repeat, use Images, keep it Simple, go Slow, use a Soft voice, and use the Client's words. Johnson's delivery rule holds that how a thing is said governs whether it can be heard when a partner is emotionally aroused.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Slowing the body's arousal makes it possible to hear and be heard.
Where this sits: EFT, RISSSC delivery: going Slow and Soft to bring the heat down.