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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Usually it is a version of: I am afraid I do not matter to you. Say that instead.
In the remembrance of God hearts find rest (Qur'an 13:28). Naming the fear beneath the anger is a step back toward rest.
الرعد
ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَتَطۡمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِۗ أَلَا بِذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطۡمَئِنُّ ٱلۡقُلُوبُ
those who have faith and whose hearts find peace in the remembrance of God- truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace
Qur’an 13:28read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson treats anger as a guard on something more tender, usually the fear that you do not matter to your partner. Asking what you are afraid of before you speak, and saying that instead, draws your spouse close where the anger only pushed them off.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
Accessing underlying emotion, Stage 1 Step 3. Johnson distinguishes the reactive secondary emotion, usually anger or numbness, from the primary attachment emotion beneath it, usually fear or grief, and holds that only the primary emotion pulls a partner closer.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Anger and withdrawal defend softer primary feelings; naming them invites closeness.
Where this sits: EFT, Stage 1 Step 3: accessing the attachment fear beneath the anger.