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Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
What are you hoping for, or afraid of, in this. Then only listen for the dream beneath.
Live with them in what is fair and kind, and if you dislike something in them, it may be that God has put much good in it. That is reason enough to ask what the fight means to your spouse before trying to win it.
النساء
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهࣰ اۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةࣲ مُّبَيِّنَةࣲۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرࣰ ا كَثِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good
Qur’an 4:19read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman found that gridlocked fights sit on top of a dream, a value or a fear that has never been said out loud. Asking what the issue means to your partner underneath moves you both from trying to win to being able to talk.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 6, Dreams Within Conflict. Gridlock persists because a life dream is hidden inside the position. The Dream Catcher's task is to ask about the dream and honour it rather than to argue the position.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Naming the dream under a gridlocked position moves a couple from gridlock to dialogue.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Dreams Within Conflict (ask what the recurring fight means underneath).