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Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
Under you are never home is I miss you, I want more of you. Say the wish, not the jab.
God tells His servants to say what is best. I miss you is the best form of the thing you were about to say as a complaint.
الإسراء
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِي يَقُولُواْ ٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ يَنزَغُ بَيۡنَهُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ كَانَ لِلۡإِنسَٰنِ عَدُوࣰّ ا مُّبِينࣰ ا
[Prophet], tell My servants to say what is best. Satan sows discord among them: Satan is a sworn enemy of man
Qur’an 17:53read it in the library
الفرقان
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنࣲ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
those who pray, ‘Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring. Make us good examples to those who are aware of You’
Qur’an 25:74read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Emotionally focused therapy reads a complaint as a protest with a wish inside it. Turning you are never home into I miss you gives your spouse something warm to move towards, where the jab only gave them something to fend off.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
Accessing underlying emotion, Stage 1 Step 3. Johnson distinguishes the reactive secondary emotion, usually anger or numbness, from the primary attachment emotion beneath it, usually fear or grief, and holds that only the primary emotion pulls a partner closer.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Naming the longing beneath a protest turns criticism into an invitation.
Where this sits: EFT, Stage 1 Step 3: the longing beneath the protest.
See your bond as a safe haven and a secure base, not just romance. Your partner is meant to be the person you run to and the place you launch from.
Do not win in a way that crushes your partner's dream. Aim for a marriage where you support each other's dreams.
Ask your spouse about a moment from their childhood that shaped them, and listen closely.