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Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
Being right is worthless if it flattens the person you love. Look for how both dreams can be honored.
They are as garments to you, as you are to them (Quran 2:187). Garments cover and protect; you are meant to shelter each other's dreams, not expose them.
البقرة
أُحِلَّ لَكُمۡ لَيۡلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآئِكُمۡۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسࣱ لَّكُمۡ وَأَنتُمۡ لِبَاسࣱ لَّهُنَّۗ عَلِمَ ٱللَّهُ أَنَّكُمۡ كُنتُمۡ تَخۡتَانُونَ أَنفُسَكُمۡ فَتَابَ عَلَيۡكُمۡ وَعَفَا عَنكُمۡۖ فَٱلۡـَٰٔنَ بَٰشِرُوهُنَّ وَٱبۡتَغُواْ مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡۚ وَكُلُواْ وَٱشۡرَبُواْ حَتَّىٰ يَتَبَيَّنَ لَكُمُ ٱلۡخَيۡطُ ٱلۡأَبۡيَضُ مِنَ ٱلۡخَيۡطِ ٱلۡأَسۡوَدِ مِنَ ٱلۡفَجۡرِۖ ثُمَّ أَتِمُّواْ ٱلصِّيَامَ إِلَى ٱلَّيۡلِۚ وَلَا تُبَٰشِرُوهُنَّ وَأَنتُمۡ عَٰكِفُونَ فِي ٱلۡمَسَٰجِدِۗ تِلۡكَ حُدُودُ ٱللَّهِ فَلَا تَقۡرَبُوهَاۗ كَذَٰلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ ءَايَٰتِهِۦ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَتَّقُونَ
You [believers] are permitted to lie with your wives during the night of the fast: they are [close] as garments to you, as you are to them. God was aware that you were betraying yourselves, so He turned to you in mercy and pardoned you: now you can lie with them- seek what God has ordained for you- eat and drink until the white thread of dawn becomes distinct from the black. Then fast until nightfall. Do not lie with them during the nights of your devotional retreat in the mosques: these are the bounds set by God, so do not go near them. In this way God makes His messages clear to people, that they may guard themselves against doing wrong
Qur’an 2:187read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's aim in gridlock is a relationship where each partner supports the other's dreams rather than defeating them. A win that flattens your partner's core dream costs more than the issue was ever worth.
John M. Gottman; Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Principle 6, Dreams Within Conflict. Gridlock persists because a life dream is hidden inside the position. The Dream Catcher's task is to ask about the dream and honour it rather than to argue the position.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Honoring, rather than defeating, a partner's dream is what keeps influence from turning into damage.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Dreams Within Conflict (honor each other's dreams).
Notice one way your spouse has changed lately, and let your picture of them catch up.
Tell your spouse about a raw spot, an old tender place that still gets touched.
If you are the one who goes quiet and pulls away, name the fear behind it and step back in: I shut you out because I was afraid of failing you.