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Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Not a joke, not a change of subject. Let the kindness or the bid actually land on you.
When greeted, answer with a better greeting, or at least return it (Qur'an 4:86). Receive a reach with at least as much warmth as it was offered.
النساء
وَإِذَا حُيِّيتُم بِتَحِيَّةࣲ فَحَيُّواْ بِأَحۡسَنَ مِنۡهَآ أَوۡ رُدُّوهَآۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيۡءٍ حَسِيبًا
But [even in battle] when you [believers] are offered a greeting, respond with a better one, or at least return it: God keeps account of everything
Qur’an 4:86read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In emotionally focused therapy responsiveness covers receiving as well as giving. Deflecting a kind word with a joke leaves your spouse's reach hanging, and letting it land tells them the connection went through.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
A.R.E.: Are you Accessible, Responsive and Engaged? Johnson holds that every quarrel is a variation on one attachment question, can I reach you, and that a partner who can answer yes to the three provides the safe haven the bond depends on.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Letting a partner's bid land, rather than deflecting, completes the connection.
Where this sits: EFT, A.R.E.: Responsive, letting a partner's bid land instead of deflecting.