Loading practices
Loading practices
Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Even if you see the other side, do not side with the enemy against your partner. Stand with them first.
The believers, men and women, support each other (Quran 9:71). To stand with your spouse against the day's troubles is that support made real.
التوبة
وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنَٰتُ بَعۡضُهُمۡ أَوۡلِيَآءُ بَعۡضࣲۚ يَأۡمُرُونَ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِ وَيَنۡهَوۡنَ عَنِ ٱلۡمُنكَرِ وَيُقِيمُونَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَيُؤۡتُونَ ٱلزَّكَوٰةَ وَيُطِيعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُۥٓۚ أُوْلَٰٓئِكَ سَيَرۡحَمُهُمُ ٱللَّهُۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمࣱ
The believers, both men and women, support each other; they order what is right and forbid what is wrong; they keep up the prayer and pay the prescribed alms; they obey God and His Messenger. God will give His mercy to such people: God is almighty and wise
Qur’an 9:71read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman's rule for the stress reducing conversation is to show solidarity, taking your partner's side rather than weighing up the evidence. Being an ally against the problem is what makes support land, even when the other party has a point.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
The Stress-Reducing Conversation. A daily debrief about stress outside the marriage in which the listener takes the partner's side unconditionally and offers no advice, on the rule that understanding must precede problem solving.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Showing solidarity, being an ally rather than a judge, is what makes a partner feel supported and safe.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward; Stress-Reducing Conversation (be an ally, we against the problem).