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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
When you were not there that day, it marked me. Naming it is not attacking, it is asking to heal.
Whoever pardons and reconciles, their reward is with God (Qur'an 42:40). Naming a hurt in order to mend it is that road to reconciliation.
الشورى
وَجَزَٰٓؤُاْ سَيِّئَةࣲ سَيِّئَةࣱ مِّثۡلُهَاۖ فَمَنۡ عَفَا وَأَصۡلَحَ فَأَجۡرُهُۥ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّٰلِمِينَ
Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and puts things right will have his reward from God Himself––He does not like those who do wrong
Qur’an 42:40read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson holds that an abandonment at a moment of acute need goes on shaping a marriage quietly until it is spoken. Naming the old hurt gently, without relitigating it, is not an attack but the opening of the repair.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 5, Forgiving Injuries. Johnson holds that an attachment injury, an abandonment at a moment of acute need, blocks all repair until it is named as such, its impact heard without defence, and comfort offered at the exact point of the wound.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Voicing an unhealed attachment injury is the first step to repairing it.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries, naming the old wound.