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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Not I didn't mean to. First: I hear that I hurt you, and I am sorry. Defence can wait.
Stand firm for justice even against yourselves (Qur'an 4:135). Hearing how you hurt someone, without defending, is that justice.
النساء
۞يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ كُونُواْ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوۡ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَوِ ٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ وَٱلۡأَقۡرَبِينَۚ إِن يَكُنۡ غَنِيًّا أَوۡ فَقِيرࣰ ا فَٱللَّهُ أَوۡلَىٰ بِهِمَاۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُواْ ٱلۡهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعۡدِلُواْۚ وَإِن تَلۡوُۥٓاْ أَوۡ تُعۡرِضُواْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِيرࣰ ا
You who believe, uphold justice and bear witness to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your close relatives. Whether the person is rich or poor, God can best take care of both. Refrain from following your own desire, so that you can act justly- if you distort or neglect justice, God is fully aware of what you do
Qur’an 4:135read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In Johnson's forgiveness conversation the injuring partner's first job is to stay and hear the hurt, not explain what they meant. Saying I hear that I hurt you, and stopping there, lets your spouse feel met and the wound begin to close.
Susan M. Johnson (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown
Conversation 5, Forgiving Injuries. Johnson holds that an attachment injury, an abandonment at a moment of acute need, blocks all repair until it is named as such, its impact heard without defence, and comfort offered at the exact point of the wound.
Strength of evidence: seen more than once. Replicated observational or longitudinal work, not tested against a control.
Hearing an injury without defence is what allows the wound to close.
Where this sits: EFT, Hold Me Tight Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries, hearing the wound without defending.