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Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Name the feeling, aloud, and leave the case for later. Do not comment on your partner's feelings.
Speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose (Quran 33:70). Naming the feeling plainly, and leaving the case for later, is speech aimed at repair rather than at winning.
الأحزاب
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوۡلࣰ ا سَدِيدࣰ ا
Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose
Qur’an 33:70read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Step one of Gottman's Aftermath of a Fight is to name how you felt without yet giving the reasons, and without commenting on your partner's feelings. Leading with why turns processing back into arguing.
John M. Gottman (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton
The Aftermath of a Fight. A regrettable incident is processed only once both partners are calm, in order: each states how they felt, each states their subjective reality and the other validates it, earlier triggers are named, each takes responsibility for a part, and together they name one constructive plan.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Sharing the feeling without the justification keeps the conversation from re-escalating into blame.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Aftermath of a Fight, Step 1: Feelings.