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Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
Some wounds are attachment injuries: a betrayal or abandonment at a crucial moment of need that redefines the relationship as unsafe. Healing begins by naming that exact moment and its impact honestly, rather than talking around it.
Yaqub said, I plead my grief and sorrow before God (Quran 12:86). Bringing the deep injury fully into words, rather than hiding it, is the honest lament that begins healing.
يوسف
قَالَ إِنَّمَآ أَشۡكُواْ بَثِّي وَحُزۡنِيٓ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ وَأَعۡلَمُ مِنَ ٱللَّهِ مَا لَا تَعۡلَمُونَ
He said, ‘I plead my grief and sorrow before God. I have knowledge from God that you do not have
Qur’an 12:86read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
An attachment injury is being failed at a moment of acute need, and emotionally focused therapy holds that it blocks repair until it is faced directly. Naming the exact moment and what it did to you is the first step of resolving it, because the wound has to be witnessed before it can close.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The Attachment Injury Resolution Model. The injured partner articulates the injury and its impact; the other stays present, owns responsibility and expresses remorse rather than explaining; and comfort is then offered at the point of the wound.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Clearly articulating the attachment injury and its impact, instead of burying it, is the necessary first step to resolving an impasse that keeps blocking trust.
Where this sits: EFT, Attachment Injury Resolution Model step 1: the injured partner articulates the injury and its impact.
Let one trustworthy person in slowly. Trust is rebuilt in small, safe steps, not all at once.
A betrayal is the choice of the one who made it. Unhappiness never forced it, and it is not the hurt partner's fault.
When a past hurt overwhelms you, reach toward a safe person instead of cutting yourself off. Connection is part of healing, not a distraction from it.