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Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
A struggling marriage is one thing; how a person responds to it is their own choice. Do not carry blame that is not yours.
Each soul is responsible for its own actions; no soul will bear the burden of another (Quran 6:164). The choice, and its weight, belong to the one who made it.
الأنعام
قُلۡ أَغَيۡرَ ٱللَّهِ أَبۡغِي رَبࣰّ ا وَهُوَ رَبُّ كُلِّ شَيۡءࣲۚ وَلَا تَكۡسِبُ كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ إِلَّا عَلَيۡهَاۚ وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةࣱ وِزۡرَ أُخۡرَىٰۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكُم مَّرۡجِعُكُمۡ فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمۡ فِيهِ تَخۡتَلِفُونَ
Say, ‘Should I seek a Lord other than God, when He is the Lord of all things?’ Each soul is responsible for its own actions; no soul will bear the burden of another. You will all return to your Lord in the end, and He will tell you the truth about your differences
Qur’an 6:164read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Gottman is clear that however unhappy the relationship was, the betrayal was the choice of the person who made it. Separating the state of the marriage from that choice keeps the hurt partner from carrying blame that is not theirs.
John M. Gottman (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton
Atone, Attune, Attach. The betrayer atones without conditions and the hurt partner sets the pace; the couple then rebuilds attunement; and only then attachment. Skipping ahead to reconnection produces what Gottman calls cheap forgiveness.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Locating responsibility for the betrayal with the one who chose it, not the injured partner, protects the hurt partner from unwarranted self-blame.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 1: Atone (the affair was the betrayer's choice).
If you caused the injury, acknowledge your partner's pain, own your part, and stay present with them; do not defend or flee.
Do not try to restore the old marriage. Build a new one, on honesty, transparency, and witnessing each other's truths.
The one who caused the hurt listens to the pain non-defensively, without excuses, as long as it is needed.