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Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
The heat we show a partner, criticism or withdrawal, is usually a secondary emotion covering a tender primary one underneath. Naming the softer feeling, I was scared, I felt alone, is what actually reaches the other person.
We know what his soul whispers to him: We are closer to him than his jugular vein (Quran 50:16). God already sees the tender thing beneath your reaction; naming it to your partner brings that hidden truth into the light.
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وَلَقَدۡ خَلَقۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ وَنَعۡلَمُ مَا تُوَسۡوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفۡسُهُۥۖ وَنَحۡنُ أَقۡرَبُ إِلَيۡهِ مِنۡ حَبۡلِ ٱلۡوَرِيدِ
We created man––We know what his soul whispers to him: We are closer to him than his jugular vein––
Qur’an 50:16read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
Johnson distinguishes the reactive feeling a partner shows, criticism or shutdown, from the primary attachment emotion it guards, usually fear of not mattering, hurt or longing. Reaching underneath to name the softer one changes the tone of the whole exchange, because it lets your spouse see what is actually happening in you.
Susan M. Johnson (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
Accessing underlying emotion, Stage 1 Step 3. Johnson distinguishes the reactive secondary emotion, usually anger or numbness, from the primary attachment emotion beneath it, usually fear or grief, and holds that only the primary emotion pulls a partner closer.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Moving past the reactive surface emotion to the vulnerable feeling beneath it changes the whole tone of the exchange and invites closeness instead of defence.
Where this sits: EFT, Stage 1 Step 3: reactive secondary emotion and the primary attachment emotion beneath it.